What kind of friend are you?

We all have that one friend (or multiple) that make not the best decisions. Whether it’s their health choices such as drinking all the time or more of a moral choice such as cheating on their significant other. While all this is happening we stand idly by while these people run their lives into the ground. I am a culprit of this also. I have watched numerous friends of mine be in relationships that are so blatantly damaging and sick and said nothing or gave them what they wanted to hear. “Oh I am sure that he will change and stop messaging other women” or “Maybe he was having a bad day (again) and it will get better”. I give them a false reassurance that if they just stick it out that it will get better. Then I watch them fall deeper and deeper into that hole of low self-esteem and misery.

I do all this because I am afraid of losing their friendship and not wanting to stick my nose where it doesn’t belong and lets be real, who really likes confrontation? Still I watch these people post on facebook about how horrible their lives are and nobody understands the pain they are feeling. Then they get exactly what they want. Attention! They get the “It will get better” or “I am so sorry you are going through this” or “you shouldn’t put up with that” and it just feeds the victim machine and they keep doing it because they are getting exactly what they want. They are like small children throwing a fit and everyone that comments or eggs them on is like giving a small child a cookie to stop them from screaming. They are going to keep doing it because they are getting exactly what they want.

I am just going to come out and say it. You are not being a good friend when you do this. You are promoting their toddler tantrums and encouraging them to keep living in their insanity. You are not trying to lift them up. If anything you are keeping them down. That is not being a good friend. Supporting them when they are making bad decisions is not being a good friend.

I had a friend that I really cared about but he drank all of the time and was always getting into bar fights. He was slowly killing himself and causing damage everywhere he went. I said nothing because sometimes he was fun to drink with and I feared if I said anything that I would lose him as a friend. So I just let him keep doing it and it got worse and worse. Eventually he went to jail and sobered up. I am so grateful for that but I did nothing to try to help him when he was out of control. He very well could have died and I had just sat back and watched.

So the solution? It’s not easy. I am not saying go out and find everyone on facebook posting “poor me” post and tell them to suck it up sally. I am saying that when a friend comes to you and tells you that (for example) their love life is on the rocks you actually be honest with them. By giving them the “this will pass” speech you are cheating yourself out of an opportunity to be a good person and a good friend. Yes they may be mad at you and it may be really hard to be honest but at least you have said your peace. I am not saying to tell them to leave that person because that is not your place, but telling them “They cheated on you. That’s not ok and someone that loves you wouldn’t do that. It was wrong and you should figure out if you want to be in that kind of relationship”.

Or how about a friend that is always complaining about how life is crapping on them? How about instead of saying “wow that sucks that life is doing that to you” how about trying “what are you going to do about it and how can I help?”. If they insist on doing nothing about it than that is their choice and you don’t have to bring the cake to their pity party.

There are always exceptions. Such as a friend who just got dumped. Let them wallow for a bit and be sad. Don’t go out and start being cold to your friends because you don’t agree with how they live. All I am saying is you don’t have to play into anything your friends choose to do.

What I do when I see someone continuously post about how crappy their life is I ignore it. I don’t like it and I don’t respond to it. If they come to me asking my advice I give them my honest opinion and they can take it or leave it. I put it out there and it’s theirs to take it as they please.

That’s what I have for you today. I hope it struck a chord for some of you.

How to recover from relationship Scars.

One of the hardest things to do in life is to pick yourself back up after being in a relationship that caused you a lot of emotional damage. Heart break is one of those things in life that we all go through. Some heart breaks are bigger than others but it doesn’t take away the fact that it can destroy your whole world and your whole being.

I was with a guy for two and half years and I knew from the beginning that he was covered in red flags but I chose to ignore them and ignore my gut. You see this guy lied about almost everything but his name. When we first began dating he had told me he had been in the army and was deployed for a while and he was still struggling with coming back. I had no issue with that. After a long time of calming him down while he was having drunk PTSD episodes. I started to realize that a lot of his stories didn’t make any sense. He also had nothing to show for being in the army. I let it go for a long time because who really wants to excuse any one of lying about something so big. I waited a year and a half to confront him about it and when I finally did after one of our long and loud fights I gave him the ultimatum to either tell me or I walk. He finally admitted that he had never been in the army and it was all a big lie. I still chose to stay with him even after that.

The whole time we were together I would catch him in one lie right after the other. Where he had been. What he was doing. Who he had been with. Most of these I didn’t even seek out to catch him in a lie. It would either be him getting his stories mixed up or someone would accidentally spill the beans. One of our biggest issues was him with other women. I would find out he was messaging other women trying to get naked pictures or trying to meet up with them when I wasn’t around. I remember one time we had went out for some drinks and meeting a girl he went to high school with that he was still friends with. I thought nothing of it until I got a glance at his phone while he was next to me and saw naked pictures of her on his phone. Even then I had felt I was in too deep to just leave him.

I became paranoid all of the time. Everything he told me I had to question if it was the truth. Our relationship became sicker every day. Every time I would try to leave (every other week) he would physically stop me or threaten to kill himself and I would be just too tired to even fight back. As time went on I became less and less surprised when I would find out a lie or find out about another woman in his life.

After two and a half years of this I had finally had enough. I found out that he had slept with a woman I knew while we were together and that was the last straw. I felt a calm come over me and knew that it was time to go. I managed to get out.

After some time of being away from him I realized how damaged I actually was. My self-worth was destroyed along with a lot of friendships I had given up for him. I truly felt that there was something wrong with me for putting up with that for so long. So I set out to rebuild my life. I started doing things I loved and building new friendships and leaning on them for emotional support. I got a raise at work and a promotion and really set myself up to be fully self-supporting. I am not going to say it was easy because it really wasn’t. I was terrified to be on my own. I even thought about going back to him a few times because it would be easier. I sought out a therapist for a month and that really helped rebuild me as a person.

I went on a few dates afterword’s but didn’t really look for anything serious. After a few months of healing a man stepped into my life who I had known for a few years. We got together to catch up since it had been awhile since we had last talked. He ended up asking me out on a date and I accepted. He ended up taking me on some of the most amazing dates I had ever had. He treated me with respect and didn’t try to rush into anything. After about a month and a half of dates he asked me to be his girlfriend and I accepted.

I was scared to start a new relationship but the spark I had with this man was too strong to ignore. He didn’t stop trying to woo me even after I had become his girlfriend and he still hasn’t. We have been together for about 6 months and it still feels like the honey moon stage. He has been completely open and honest with me since the beginning which is something I was not accustom to. It has been the complete opposite of my last relationship. Every once in a while my paranoia creeps in and I have that gross stomach feeling of what if? Or if he brings up a conversation he had with another girl I have to remind myself that he is not my ex and I don’t have to feel scared.

I am not saying that this man has fixed me because I truly believe he would not be in my life if I hadn’t taken the steps I needed to after my break up. If I had not learned how to stand on my own two feet I would have never attracted a man as wonderful as him. I do believe I will have scars from that relationship for the rest of my life, but it is on me to realize and step back when I start to let it affect my current relationship. I have also learned how to communicate my insecurities in a healthy way. I don’t need to accuse and start a fight. I can calmly discuss how I am feeling and why I feel that way and come to a solution even if it is just getting a little reassurance.

I was going to give you some statistics on cheating but to be honest in this situation it would not be helpful at all. If anything it just raises more paranoia. You have to accept that your scars will probably be with you forever and it is not on anyone else to try to fix them. You are the only one that has control over your actions and your attitudes. Don’t let old scars run your life. Remember that you lived through those old scars and you don’t need to keep making more.