A short bit on Friendship

                Good morning Bloggers!

                The last post I did on friendship really came from the heart because I truly believe friendship to be very important.  I have been blessed with a friend that keeps me from drowning and always cheers me on. She also gives me a big steaming cup of reality when I need it. We have a track record of coming together and then drifting apart. It doesn’t matter how far we drift we always sync back up.

                There is a lot of things I have learned from being blessed with such an amazing friend. The first thing is that friendship takes time and self. That means when a friend texts me I need to make it a priority to respond. Or if someone calls me I need to make it a point to either answer or call them back. This is probably the thing I struggle with the most. It is not that I don’t want to talk to someone it is I look at it and decide to respond later and then end up forgetting. I don’t make it a priority. That is how I end up losing a friend.

                Another thing that I have been taught is that it is not always about me. I need to put my selfish hat away and listen. Friendships are give and take. Sometimes you need to get your shoulder wet and sometimes you need to ask for one. Sometimes people we care about go through something really difficult that can make you uncomfortable because you can’t relate and don’t know what to say.

                When I terminated my rights to my son I was nineteen. Most of my friends were nineteen. Most people that age cannot relate to that. I didn’t have many people to talk to because nobody knew what to say. I was a mess and didn’t want to go on. There was one person who did exactly what a friend should do in that situation. They said nothing….. They held me and let me fall to pieces for as long as I needed with no judgement and didn’t try to say the things that made it worse (“At least you know where he is” or “at least you can still see him”). When I was ready to stop breaking they asked what he could do to help. Sometimes silence is the best way to help somebody.

                This may seem like a short post but I think the message is pretty clear and doesn’t need to be dissected any more. Don’t be selfish if you care about your friendships. Learn to give and take. And one big thing that I need to work on…. Answer my damn phone.

What kind of friend are you?

We all have that one friend (or multiple) that make not the best decisions. Whether it’s their health choices such as drinking all the time or more of a moral choice such as cheating on their significant other. While all this is happening we stand idly by while these people run their lives into the ground. I am a culprit of this also. I have watched numerous friends of mine be in relationships that are so blatantly damaging and sick and said nothing or gave them what they wanted to hear. “Oh I am sure that he will change and stop messaging other women” or “Maybe he was having a bad day (again) and it will get better”. I give them a false reassurance that if they just stick it out that it will get better. Then I watch them fall deeper and deeper into that hole of low self-esteem and misery.

I do all this because I am afraid of losing their friendship and not wanting to stick my nose where it doesn’t belong and lets be real, who really likes confrontation? Still I watch these people post on facebook about how horrible their lives are and nobody understands the pain they are feeling. Then they get exactly what they want. Attention! They get the “It will get better” or “I am so sorry you are going through this” or “you shouldn’t put up with that” and it just feeds the victim machine and they keep doing it because they are getting exactly what they want. They are like small children throwing a fit and everyone that comments or eggs them on is like giving a small child a cookie to stop them from screaming. They are going to keep doing it because they are getting exactly what they want.

I am just going to come out and say it. You are not being a good friend when you do this. You are promoting their toddler tantrums and encouraging them to keep living in their insanity. You are not trying to lift them up. If anything you are keeping them down. That is not being a good friend. Supporting them when they are making bad decisions is not being a good friend.

I had a friend that I really cared about but he drank all of the time and was always getting into bar fights. He was slowly killing himself and causing damage everywhere he went. I said nothing because sometimes he was fun to drink with and I feared if I said anything that I would lose him as a friend. So I just let him keep doing it and it got worse and worse. Eventually he went to jail and sobered up. I am so grateful for that but I did nothing to try to help him when he was out of control. He very well could have died and I had just sat back and watched.

So the solution? It’s not easy. I am not saying go out and find everyone on facebook posting “poor me” post and tell them to suck it up sally. I am saying that when a friend comes to you and tells you that (for example) their love life is on the rocks you actually be honest with them. By giving them the “this will pass” speech you are cheating yourself out of an opportunity to be a good person and a good friend. Yes they may be mad at you and it may be really hard to be honest but at least you have said your peace. I am not saying to tell them to leave that person because that is not your place, but telling them “They cheated on you. That’s not ok and someone that loves you wouldn’t do that. It was wrong and you should figure out if you want to be in that kind of relationship”.

Or how about a friend that is always complaining about how life is crapping on them? How about instead of saying “wow that sucks that life is doing that to you” how about trying “what are you going to do about it and how can I help?”. If they insist on doing nothing about it than that is their choice and you don’t have to bring the cake to their pity party.

There are always exceptions. Such as a friend who just got dumped. Let them wallow for a bit and be sad. Don’t go out and start being cold to your friends because you don’t agree with how they live. All I am saying is you don’t have to play into anything your friends choose to do.

What I do when I see someone continuously post about how crappy their life is I ignore it. I don’t like it and I don’t respond to it. If they come to me asking my advice I give them my honest opinion and they can take it or leave it. I put it out there and it’s theirs to take it as they please.

That’s what I have for you today. I hope it struck a chord for some of you.

A new Valentine's Day plan to ponder....

Since Valentine’s Day is fast approaching and most are either excited to spend a day being in love or dreading the idea of spending the day alone drowning their single sorrows in a bottle of wine or a pint of Ben and Jerry’s or hell probably both.

 I have lived in both worlds of the Valentine’s Day drama. I have also fell into that unrealistic expectations of the day (flowers, chocolates, teddy bears, balloons, candles, dinner, Jewelry…). All of that “show me you love me stuff”. Yes of course that stuff is fine and dandy and what woman or man would not like to feel appreciated for a day? We are programmed to believe that this day should be a defining day for your relationship (movies, ads, radio, books, commercials, TV shows).

I will admit that I still do flirt with that fantasy of being treated like a princess for the day. But I do not base my relationship on one day. 53% of women say they would leave their significant other if they didn’t get anything on that day. It floors me on how important it can be to some and how much pressure is put into it. No wonder there are so many scorned men that hate this day. They have been set up for failure. Don’t get me wrong I completely agree that you should celebrate being in love for the day. But must it be so material? I am not saying that people should completely shun the idea of buying something for your significant other because there is nothing wrong with buying someone you love a present.

This day should be icing on the cake not the whole bakery. Remember that your significant other is not a mind reader and setting them up to do so would be you setting them up for failure. If it is that important to you talk about it with them. Tell them things you want (not dropping hints). Sure you may think this takes away from the surprise of the day. In that case give them a few different ideas and let them choose. Then ask them what they would like because remember a relationship involves 2 people! Everyone is happy…  Communication is key people!

Now let’s touch on the singles. I am no stranger to being single on this day. I have spent plenty of time whining about the woes of being alone. It really isn’t the greatest on this day. It can be very depressing….. If you let it. If you really want to spend the day in your sweats feeling sorry for yourself then by all means please do it. No judgment here. I have partaken in this sad ritual on numerous occasions. It is a choice though.

If you are looking to get out of that hole I have a few recommendations. First off wake up and make yourself a nice breakfast. Take a nice shower. Get yourself done up a little more than usual and venture out for the day. Have a shopping day or go to your favorite book store. Or really anything that makes that strikes your fancy. Now as you are doing this you may witness a couple here or there try to not do the cliché rolling your eyes and thinking of how gross it is. Instead be happy for them. Who are you to dam anyone else’s relationship? You would be drinking a poison that is only damaging you. Your ill will has no effect on them. You are choosing to make yourself miserable. Love is a beautiful thing and it will happen for you if you let it.  End your valentines with a good dinner and remind yourself that being single is the perfect time to be happy with you and being able to do whatever the heck you want to.

So in conclusion whether you are single or alone don’t over think it and don’t invest your whole wellbeing or your relationship on one day. Valentine’s will come and go and it is your choice on how you choose to handle it.