We all have that one friend (or multiple) that make not the
best decisions. Whether it’s their health choices such as drinking all the time
or more of a moral choice such as cheating on their significant other. While
all this is happening we stand idly by while these people run their lives into
the ground. I am a culprit of this also. I have watched numerous friends of
mine be in relationships that are so blatantly damaging and sick and said nothing
or gave them what they wanted to hear. “Oh I am sure that he will change and
stop messaging other women” or “Maybe he was having a bad day (again) and it
will get better”. I give them a false reassurance that if they just stick it
out that it will get better. Then I watch them fall deeper and deeper into that
hole of low self-esteem and misery.
I do all this because I am afraid of losing their friendship
and not wanting to stick my nose where it doesn’t belong and lets be real, who
really likes confrontation? Still I watch these people post on facebook about
how horrible their lives are and nobody understands the pain they are feeling.
Then they get exactly what they want. Attention! They get the “It will get
better” or “I am so sorry you are going through this” or “you shouldn’t put up
with that” and it just feeds the victim machine and they keep doing it because
they are getting exactly what they want. They are like small children throwing
a fit and everyone that comments or eggs them on is like giving a small child a
cookie to stop them from screaming. They are going to keep doing it because
they are getting exactly what they want.
I am just going to come out and say it. You are not being a
good friend when you do this. You are promoting their toddler tantrums and
encouraging them to keep living in their insanity. You are not trying to lift
them up. If anything you are keeping them down. That is not being a good
friend. Supporting them when they are making bad decisions is not being a good
friend.
I had a friend that I really cared about but he drank all of
the time and was always getting into bar fights. He was slowly killing himself
and causing damage everywhere he went. I said nothing because sometimes he was
fun to drink with and I feared if I said anything that I would lose him as a
friend. So I just let him keep doing it and it got worse and worse. Eventually
he went to jail and sobered up. I am so grateful for that but I did nothing to
try to help him when he was out of control. He very well could have died and I
had just sat back and watched.
So the solution? It’s not easy. I am not saying go out and
find everyone on facebook posting “poor me” post and tell them to suck it up
sally. I am saying that when a friend comes to you and tells you that (for
example) their love life is on the rocks you actually be honest with them. By
giving them the “this will pass” speech you are cheating yourself out of an opportunity
to be a good person and a good friend. Yes they may be mad at you and it may be
really hard to be honest but at least you have said your peace. I am not saying
to tell them to leave that person because that is not your place, but telling
them “They cheated on you. That’s not ok and someone that loves you wouldn’t do
that. It was wrong and you should figure out if you want to be in that kind of
relationship”.
Or how about a friend that is always complaining about how
life is crapping on them? How about instead of saying “wow that sucks that life
is doing that to you” how about trying “what are you going to do about it and
how can I help?”. If they insist on doing nothing about it than that is their
choice and you don’t have to bring the cake to their pity party.
There are always exceptions. Such as a friend who just got
dumped. Let them wallow for a bit and be sad. Don’t go out and start being cold
to your friends because you don’t agree with how they live. All I am saying is
you don’t have to play into anything your friends choose to do.
What I do when I see someone continuously post about how
crappy their life is I ignore it. I don’t like it and I don’t respond to it. If
they come to me asking my advice I give them my honest opinion and they can
take it or leave it. I put it out there and it’s theirs to take it as they
please.
That’s what I have for you today. I hope it struck a chord
for some of you.
