A short bit on Friendship

                Good morning Bloggers!

                The last post I did on friendship really came from the heart because I truly believe friendship to be very important.  I have been blessed with a friend that keeps me from drowning and always cheers me on. She also gives me a big steaming cup of reality when I need it. We have a track record of coming together and then drifting apart. It doesn’t matter how far we drift we always sync back up.

                There is a lot of things I have learned from being blessed with such an amazing friend. The first thing is that friendship takes time and self. That means when a friend texts me I need to make it a priority to respond. Or if someone calls me I need to make it a point to either answer or call them back. This is probably the thing I struggle with the most. It is not that I don’t want to talk to someone it is I look at it and decide to respond later and then end up forgetting. I don’t make it a priority. That is how I end up losing a friend.

                Another thing that I have been taught is that it is not always about me. I need to put my selfish hat away and listen. Friendships are give and take. Sometimes you need to get your shoulder wet and sometimes you need to ask for one. Sometimes people we care about go through something really difficult that can make you uncomfortable because you can’t relate and don’t know what to say.

                When I terminated my rights to my son I was nineteen. Most of my friends were nineteen. Most people that age cannot relate to that. I didn’t have many people to talk to because nobody knew what to say. I was a mess and didn’t want to go on. There was one person who did exactly what a friend should do in that situation. They said nothing….. They held me and let me fall to pieces for as long as I needed with no judgement and didn’t try to say the things that made it worse (“At least you know where he is” or “at least you can still see him”). When I was ready to stop breaking they asked what he could do to help. Sometimes silence is the best way to help somebody.

                This may seem like a short post but I think the message is pretty clear and doesn’t need to be dissected any more. Don’t be selfish if you care about your friendships. Learn to give and take. And one big thing that I need to work on…. Answer my damn phone.

What kind of friend are you?

We all have that one friend (or multiple) that make not the best decisions. Whether it’s their health choices such as drinking all the time or more of a moral choice such as cheating on their significant other. While all this is happening we stand idly by while these people run their lives into the ground. I am a culprit of this also. I have watched numerous friends of mine be in relationships that are so blatantly damaging and sick and said nothing or gave them what they wanted to hear. “Oh I am sure that he will change and stop messaging other women” or “Maybe he was having a bad day (again) and it will get better”. I give them a false reassurance that if they just stick it out that it will get better. Then I watch them fall deeper and deeper into that hole of low self-esteem and misery.

I do all this because I am afraid of losing their friendship and not wanting to stick my nose where it doesn’t belong and lets be real, who really likes confrontation? Still I watch these people post on facebook about how horrible their lives are and nobody understands the pain they are feeling. Then they get exactly what they want. Attention! They get the “It will get better” or “I am so sorry you are going through this” or “you shouldn’t put up with that” and it just feeds the victim machine and they keep doing it because they are getting exactly what they want. They are like small children throwing a fit and everyone that comments or eggs them on is like giving a small child a cookie to stop them from screaming. They are going to keep doing it because they are getting exactly what they want.

I am just going to come out and say it. You are not being a good friend when you do this. You are promoting their toddler tantrums and encouraging them to keep living in their insanity. You are not trying to lift them up. If anything you are keeping them down. That is not being a good friend. Supporting them when they are making bad decisions is not being a good friend.

I had a friend that I really cared about but he drank all of the time and was always getting into bar fights. He was slowly killing himself and causing damage everywhere he went. I said nothing because sometimes he was fun to drink with and I feared if I said anything that I would lose him as a friend. So I just let him keep doing it and it got worse and worse. Eventually he went to jail and sobered up. I am so grateful for that but I did nothing to try to help him when he was out of control. He very well could have died and I had just sat back and watched.

So the solution? It’s not easy. I am not saying go out and find everyone on facebook posting “poor me” post and tell them to suck it up sally. I am saying that when a friend comes to you and tells you that (for example) their love life is on the rocks you actually be honest with them. By giving them the “this will pass” speech you are cheating yourself out of an opportunity to be a good person and a good friend. Yes they may be mad at you and it may be really hard to be honest but at least you have said your peace. I am not saying to tell them to leave that person because that is not your place, but telling them “They cheated on you. That’s not ok and someone that loves you wouldn’t do that. It was wrong and you should figure out if you want to be in that kind of relationship”.

Or how about a friend that is always complaining about how life is crapping on them? How about instead of saying “wow that sucks that life is doing that to you” how about trying “what are you going to do about it and how can I help?”. If they insist on doing nothing about it than that is their choice and you don’t have to bring the cake to their pity party.

There are always exceptions. Such as a friend who just got dumped. Let them wallow for a bit and be sad. Don’t go out and start being cold to your friends because you don’t agree with how they live. All I am saying is you don’t have to play into anything your friends choose to do.

What I do when I see someone continuously post about how crappy their life is I ignore it. I don’t like it and I don’t respond to it. If they come to me asking my advice I give them my honest opinion and they can take it or leave it. I put it out there and it’s theirs to take it as they please.

That’s what I have for you today. I hope it struck a chord for some of you.

How to recover from relationship Scars.

One of the hardest things to do in life is to pick yourself back up after being in a relationship that caused you a lot of emotional damage. Heart break is one of those things in life that we all go through. Some heart breaks are bigger than others but it doesn’t take away the fact that it can destroy your whole world and your whole being.

I was with a guy for two and half years and I knew from the beginning that he was covered in red flags but I chose to ignore them and ignore my gut. You see this guy lied about almost everything but his name. When we first began dating he had told me he had been in the army and was deployed for a while and he was still struggling with coming back. I had no issue with that. After a long time of calming him down while he was having drunk PTSD episodes. I started to realize that a lot of his stories didn’t make any sense. He also had nothing to show for being in the army. I let it go for a long time because who really wants to excuse any one of lying about something so big. I waited a year and a half to confront him about it and when I finally did after one of our long and loud fights I gave him the ultimatum to either tell me or I walk. He finally admitted that he had never been in the army and it was all a big lie. I still chose to stay with him even after that.

The whole time we were together I would catch him in one lie right after the other. Where he had been. What he was doing. Who he had been with. Most of these I didn’t even seek out to catch him in a lie. It would either be him getting his stories mixed up or someone would accidentally spill the beans. One of our biggest issues was him with other women. I would find out he was messaging other women trying to get naked pictures or trying to meet up with them when I wasn’t around. I remember one time we had went out for some drinks and meeting a girl he went to high school with that he was still friends with. I thought nothing of it until I got a glance at his phone while he was next to me and saw naked pictures of her on his phone. Even then I had felt I was in too deep to just leave him.

I became paranoid all of the time. Everything he told me I had to question if it was the truth. Our relationship became sicker every day. Every time I would try to leave (every other week) he would physically stop me or threaten to kill himself and I would be just too tired to even fight back. As time went on I became less and less surprised when I would find out a lie or find out about another woman in his life.

After two and a half years of this I had finally had enough. I found out that he had slept with a woman I knew while we were together and that was the last straw. I felt a calm come over me and knew that it was time to go. I managed to get out.

After some time of being away from him I realized how damaged I actually was. My self-worth was destroyed along with a lot of friendships I had given up for him. I truly felt that there was something wrong with me for putting up with that for so long. So I set out to rebuild my life. I started doing things I loved and building new friendships and leaning on them for emotional support. I got a raise at work and a promotion and really set myself up to be fully self-supporting. I am not going to say it was easy because it really wasn’t. I was terrified to be on my own. I even thought about going back to him a few times because it would be easier. I sought out a therapist for a month and that really helped rebuild me as a person.

I went on a few dates afterword’s but didn’t really look for anything serious. After a few months of healing a man stepped into my life who I had known for a few years. We got together to catch up since it had been awhile since we had last talked. He ended up asking me out on a date and I accepted. He ended up taking me on some of the most amazing dates I had ever had. He treated me with respect and didn’t try to rush into anything. After about a month and a half of dates he asked me to be his girlfriend and I accepted.

I was scared to start a new relationship but the spark I had with this man was too strong to ignore. He didn’t stop trying to woo me even after I had become his girlfriend and he still hasn’t. We have been together for about 6 months and it still feels like the honey moon stage. He has been completely open and honest with me since the beginning which is something I was not accustom to. It has been the complete opposite of my last relationship. Every once in a while my paranoia creeps in and I have that gross stomach feeling of what if? Or if he brings up a conversation he had with another girl I have to remind myself that he is not my ex and I don’t have to feel scared.

I am not saying that this man has fixed me because I truly believe he would not be in my life if I hadn’t taken the steps I needed to after my break up. If I had not learned how to stand on my own two feet I would have never attracted a man as wonderful as him. I do believe I will have scars from that relationship for the rest of my life, but it is on me to realize and step back when I start to let it affect my current relationship. I have also learned how to communicate my insecurities in a healthy way. I don’t need to accuse and start a fight. I can calmly discuss how I am feeling and why I feel that way and come to a solution even if it is just getting a little reassurance.

I was going to give you some statistics on cheating but to be honest in this situation it would not be helpful at all. If anything it just raises more paranoia. You have to accept that your scars will probably be with you forever and it is not on anyone else to try to fix them. You are the only one that has control over your actions and your attitudes. Don’t let old scars run your life. Remember that you lived through those old scars and you don’t need to keep making more.   

A new Valentine's Day plan to ponder....

Since Valentine’s Day is fast approaching and most are either excited to spend a day being in love or dreading the idea of spending the day alone drowning their single sorrows in a bottle of wine or a pint of Ben and Jerry’s or hell probably both.

 I have lived in both worlds of the Valentine’s Day drama. I have also fell into that unrealistic expectations of the day (flowers, chocolates, teddy bears, balloons, candles, dinner, Jewelry…). All of that “show me you love me stuff”. Yes of course that stuff is fine and dandy and what woman or man would not like to feel appreciated for a day? We are programmed to believe that this day should be a defining day for your relationship (movies, ads, radio, books, commercials, TV shows).

I will admit that I still do flirt with that fantasy of being treated like a princess for the day. But I do not base my relationship on one day. 53% of women say they would leave their significant other if they didn’t get anything on that day. It floors me on how important it can be to some and how much pressure is put into it. No wonder there are so many scorned men that hate this day. They have been set up for failure. Don’t get me wrong I completely agree that you should celebrate being in love for the day. But must it be so material? I am not saying that people should completely shun the idea of buying something for your significant other because there is nothing wrong with buying someone you love a present.

This day should be icing on the cake not the whole bakery. Remember that your significant other is not a mind reader and setting them up to do so would be you setting them up for failure. If it is that important to you talk about it with them. Tell them things you want (not dropping hints). Sure you may think this takes away from the surprise of the day. In that case give them a few different ideas and let them choose. Then ask them what they would like because remember a relationship involves 2 people! Everyone is happy…  Communication is key people!

Now let’s touch on the singles. I am no stranger to being single on this day. I have spent plenty of time whining about the woes of being alone. It really isn’t the greatest on this day. It can be very depressing….. If you let it. If you really want to spend the day in your sweats feeling sorry for yourself then by all means please do it. No judgment here. I have partaken in this sad ritual on numerous occasions. It is a choice though.

If you are looking to get out of that hole I have a few recommendations. First off wake up and make yourself a nice breakfast. Take a nice shower. Get yourself done up a little more than usual and venture out for the day. Have a shopping day or go to your favorite book store. Or really anything that makes that strikes your fancy. Now as you are doing this you may witness a couple here or there try to not do the cliché rolling your eyes and thinking of how gross it is. Instead be happy for them. Who are you to dam anyone else’s relationship? You would be drinking a poison that is only damaging you. Your ill will has no effect on them. You are choosing to make yourself miserable. Love is a beautiful thing and it will happen for you if you let it.  End your valentines with a good dinner and remind yourself that being single is the perfect time to be happy with you and being able to do whatever the heck you want to.

So in conclusion whether you are single or alone don’t over think it and don’t invest your whole wellbeing or your relationship on one day. Valentine’s will come and go and it is your choice on how you choose to handle it.

The fear that ran my life.

I have always had one paralyzing fear that I let take hold of most of my life and has truly affected my life in some very sad ways. Driving… It has been my enemy for a very long time. I avoided getting my license as long as I possibly could. I finally caved and got it when I was 19. I was shocked they even gave me one. I studied and studied but anyone can tell that I am terrified behind that wheel.

My fear of driving was not helped by my first car. My first car was a death trap that I paid $300 for. Not only was there 100 things wrong with it. It was also a stick. I had to learn how to drive it and it was absolutely terrifying. I even took it through a brand new wood fence because I took my foot off the clutch while it was still in gear. I still to this day don’t know how I managed to not die driving that car. It liked to pull to the left whenever I touched the brakes (super fun on the ice). If I hit the brakes too hard my seat would go back. Every turn I took it would sound as if my tire would go flying. The last thing that was super fun was the clutch that was going out. So needless to say my fear of driving just got worse. I avoided driving every chance I got. I would only apply to jobs that were 5 miles from where I lived and stayed in my own little bubble. I had turned down countless jobs for the fact of being a too scary of a route to get to.

After getting rid of my death trap I had a few not as bad cars but I would still have full blown panic attacks when I would hit the highway. For a long time I had made it work. I lived 4 miles from my job and I didn’t have to hit the highway at all. I felt like I had it made. In 2014 I managed to get a brand new car. Brand new!!! I was in awe and slightly excited to feel less afraid by driving a car that had no issues at all. Unfortunately that did not take away my fear. I still lived and worked in my little bubble. And then my bubble popped. I broke up with my ex and had to move. The only place I could find to live on such short notice was 20 mins from my work and all highways!! I decided right then that I either just needed to conquer my fear and just do it or find another job. I chose to conquer. I drove every day to work clutching the steering wheel on the verge of tears but I kept at every day and every day it got a little better. There are still times where I just don’t want to drive and there are times I still get scared on the highways. But everyday still gets better and I don’t let that fear run my life anymore. That is a fear I never thought I would get over but I have managed to break the hold.