The fear that ran my life.

I have always had one paralyzing fear that I let take hold of most of my life and has truly affected my life in some very sad ways. Driving… It has been my enemy for a very long time. I avoided getting my license as long as I possibly could. I finally caved and got it when I was 19. I was shocked they even gave me one. I studied and studied but anyone can tell that I am terrified behind that wheel.

My fear of driving was not helped by my first car. My first car was a death trap that I paid $300 for. Not only was there 100 things wrong with it. It was also a stick. I had to learn how to drive it and it was absolutely terrifying. I even took it through a brand new wood fence because I took my foot off the clutch while it was still in gear. I still to this day don’t know how I managed to not die driving that car. It liked to pull to the left whenever I touched the brakes (super fun on the ice). If I hit the brakes too hard my seat would go back. Every turn I took it would sound as if my tire would go flying. The last thing that was super fun was the clutch that was going out. So needless to say my fear of driving just got worse. I avoided driving every chance I got. I would only apply to jobs that were 5 miles from where I lived and stayed in my own little bubble. I had turned down countless jobs for the fact of being a too scary of a route to get to.

After getting rid of my death trap I had a few not as bad cars but I would still have full blown panic attacks when I would hit the highway. For a long time I had made it work. I lived 4 miles from my job and I didn’t have to hit the highway at all. I felt like I had it made. In 2014 I managed to get a brand new car. Brand new!!! I was in awe and slightly excited to feel less afraid by driving a car that had no issues at all. Unfortunately that did not take away my fear. I still lived and worked in my little bubble. And then my bubble popped. I broke up with my ex and had to move. The only place I could find to live on such short notice was 20 mins from my work and all highways!! I decided right then that I either just needed to conquer my fear and just do it or find another job. I chose to conquer. I drove every day to work clutching the steering wheel on the verge of tears but I kept at every day and every day it got a little better. There are still times where I just don’t want to drive and there are times I still get scared on the highways. But everyday still gets better and I don’t let that fear run my life anymore. That is a fear I never thought I would get over but I have managed to break the hold.